Ask Amy: Adoption Makes Clan's Wedding ceremony Plans Troublesome – Life-style – Pittsburg Morning Solar.
Dear Amy, my biological great aunt and uncle adopted me when I was 2 years old. I'm 20 now and planning my wedding. My adoptive parents are my world and I couldn't be more grateful to them.
I have a very close relationship with my mother and plan to include her in my wedding, just like normally everyone would.
Since it was an open adoption and my adoptive parents are my great aunt and uncle, I know my birth mother.
You and I are more friendly than mother-and-daughter. I'm getting married next year and I want to include her in some way, but my adoptive mom gets jealous and hurt about certain things when it comes to including her.
How can I involve my birth mother without hurting my adoptive mother's feelings?
Should I also give my birth mother a corsage to wear?
I am not sure what to do. – Insecure bride
Dear Uncertainty, this is difficult as all of your parents are related to one another as well (I'm assuming one of your birth parents would be your parents' niece or nephew). Before and after your birth and adoption, there is undoubtedly a lot of challenging history there.
In my opinion, you should invite your birth mother to the wedding and give her a front row seat with other family members. Yes, it would be nice if you gave her a corsage.
Weddings are highly charged events; Feelings and insecurities are amplified in anticipation. Communicate honestly with your parents as soon as possible, let them know what your plans are, and give them time to adjust.
Let both (adoptive) parents – not just your father – take you down the aisle to officially introduce you to your future spouse. You deserve this honor.
Understand that no matter what plan you come up with, your mom may feel threatened, jealous, and upset. Acknowledge their feelings and say, "I know this is difficult, but I have no question about who my 'real' parents are – both of you! I hope you can keep that in mind and me help by being kind to my biological mother during events. It's hard for me too, but I'm trying to do the right thing. "
Dear Amy, "Carrie" and I met a few years ago at work.
She is well known but for some reason has no "real" friends. As I got to know her better, I realized that she is needy and selfish, a person who has no problem asking for things but doesn't reciprocate.
When we hung out it was always where she wanted. I would have to photograph her for her Instagram (dozens at the same time, in different places!) And she would always keep me waiting.
I've tried to freeze her for the past two years but she didn't get the hint and confronted me when I didn't take her into congregations. I should have been more open, but I thought she would find out.
Her father died a few months ago during the COVID-19 lockdown. I proceeded as I would for a friend: a cordial phone call, a message to check and a souvenir gift.
Today it exploded on me. She expected more. She thinks I'm selfish.
I just don't want to be there for her. Does that make me a terrible person?
Is there any way I can get out of it without looking like the damn hole? – Guilty, angry and frustrated
Dear Guilty Party, The basic math of friendship is this: You get roughly the equivalent of what you invest. "Carrie" gets from you what she has invested in you – the minimum.
At this point, respond to her with compassion for her loss, but don't bite the hook if she baits him. Tell her, "I know I was a real disappointment to you. I hope you have other people in your life who are there for you as you want them to be."
I think it's okay to act like the damn hole as long as you aren't.
Dear Amy, I couldn't believe your stupid advice to Independent, the woman whose in-laws lived in her holiday home and did a “thorough cleaning” there.
If the place is so dirty it needs a thorough cleaning, Independent should be ashamed. – Disappointed
Dear Disappointed, "Independent" implied the cabin wasn't filthy and I believed it.